Three Steps
by Riku-Rocks
Summary: When two people fall in love gradually over the course of many years, there are three steps that must be taken before anything can become of it. This is the story of how Sirius Black and Remus Lupin attempt to take those three steps.
1. Step One: Realisation

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter, etc.

**Warnings: **Spoilers for past events referred to in PoA, OotP, and HBP (I think… -not too sure about the last one).

Mild language.

Note that the sub-genre is _romance_. Notice that the main characters are _males_. Read the summary. Put two and two together (I have every confidence that you can).

When two people fall in love gradually over the course of many years, there are three steps that must be taken before anything can become of it.

Step One: Both parties involved must realise their true feelings.

Step Two: Each party involved must embrace their true feelings.

Step Three: The parties involved must express their true feelings.

_Step One:_

Sirius and Remus were always close. They had been the best of friends since their first year at Hogwarts, along with James and Peter.

James and Sirius were the ringleaders of their little group. They were inseparable, thick as thieves, and were often mistaken for brothers due to the way they acted and thought alike. James was athletic, self confident, and forward. Sirius was charming, self-assured, and stubborn. Peter, who was nowhere near their league, admired them, followed them, and practically worshiped them. He was always good for a laugh, and a constant boost for the inseparable pair's egos, not that they needed it. Remus on the other hand, could match their wit, strength, and power, even their charm if he wanted to. However, he always preferred to keep a low profile, had no ego to speak of, and did not find the embarrassment or suffering of others to be the least bit amusing.

Therefore, Remus was the perfect ballast for Sirius. He was also the one that arrogant, pig-headed, short-tempered Sirius would go to when he needed to talk about something sincere, or to seek comfort from when he was feeling low. James would tease Sirius if he approached him at these times, and Peter would be too shocked that one of his heroes was not as perfect as they appeared, to be of any use. Remus was sympathetic, courteous, and understanding. He did not judge, assume, or idolise.

Likewise, Sirius was the person whom Remus felt the most secure in turning to when the burdens he was forced to carry simply became too much, when he could not be calm, mild, polite Remus Lupin for a while. When he needed to lower the carefully constructed walls that kept others from learning what he truly was, and could not hide his weaknesses anymore. No human could understand what it meant to be a monster. Still, Sirius could comprehend (with little stretch of the imagination) what it meant to loathe your very being for something that you had no control over, yet felt shamed and disgusted by everyday; to fear that something dark had tainted you and to know that you could never escape it.

So, if Sirius and Remus at times seemed closer then two friends normally would, if they behaved in ways that two male best friends normally do not, why should they, or their friends, find it particularly odd?

In addition, if, during the full moons, the wolf seemed more focused on Padfoot then the others, why should they think anything of it? After all, Padfoot is an exceptionally large, bear-like dog, who can pin the wolf down as well as any of its own kind could; and is therefore, much more likely to be considered a companion then a stag and a rat, whom by rights would be looked upon as prey instead of pack mates, were it a normal wolf.

Taking all of this (as well as their youth, and the times and world they lived in) into consideration, it really made perfect sense that they would not notice the emotions they had developed for each other. In fact, it would probably take a very significant and probably life-altering incident to make them aware of these emotions.

Such an incident presented itself in their sixth year at Hogwarts, when Sirius decided to play a rather ill-conspired trick on one Severus Snape.

Some weeks later finds Sirius storming through the school, because Remus, who has seemingly retreated into himself and who has barely spoken since the incident, has disappeared again, and skipped yet another meal that he could barely afford to miss. Remus may not look his friends in the eyes anymore, laugh at their jokes, or join in their conversations, but he is still their friend. Moreover, it is all Sirius' fault that the boy has become so introverted, and he is worried sick about the lycanthrope.

Sirius sees a familiar form moving across the hall ahead of him, but not the one he is searching for at present. This one is taller, larger, and stronger in appearance, with dark messy hair and hazel bespectacled eyes. James has not been the same since that night either. It is as if he caught up in years of maturity the moment he realised the danger a 'simple trick' could cause. He has also been furious at Sirius, but right now, Sirius is not concerned with that; James will come around, he will be all right, and _they _will be all right. Remus on the other hand… he is not so sure about…

"James!" Sirius breaks into a run to catch up with his best friend as he calls out.

James stops and turns in Sirius' direction, but he does not head towards him with a grin as he would have mere weeks ago. Instead, he simply waits for the other boy to reach him. "What do you want?" James does not say this cruelly, but the mere lack of pleasantry is enough of a grim reminder that this situation is all Sirius' fault.

By this time, Sirius has caught up to him, and Peter has approached from the same direction that James came from, having clearly been following the other boy.

"Have either of you seen Remus since last period?" Sirius asks, and the mere fact that he goes straight to the point is a sign of how different things are between them all… how different they all are.

"Why are you looking for him?" asks Peter, in a clearly irritated tone.

Sirius shoots him a glare before answering. "He missed dinner, in case you didn't notice, and he's not in our dorm, the common room, or the library."

"He missed breakfast, too," responds James wearily. "I found him out by the lake after dinner. He said he's just not very hungry today, and that he's fine, but he'd rather be alone for a little while."

"He's been alone for far more then a bloody _while_." Sirius sighs in irritation. "It's been nearly two months. He can't keep skipping meals like this, and going off on his own, why can't he just yell at me, or hit me, anything would better then this."

"Because that's not Remus," answers James. "He's not the explosive type, he's the implosive type."

"James is right," Sirius glares at Peter again, wondering why they ever found the dumpy boy's hero worship to be amusing. This did not stop Peter from continuing, however. "Remus doesn't yell, or hit, or even get angry, really. He just gets all quiet and introspective."

"I know how Remus is, thank you very much." Sirius retorts bitterly. "I just… I don't know how to handle this. If he were angry, I would know what to do. Hell, if he broke down and cried, then I could at least figure something out, but _this_…? How do I fix this?"

"You should have thought of that before you pulled that stunt two months ago, then." James' voice was low and hostel. "You should have thought, _period_. Do you know what they could do to him if anyone found out? I know that you know what it would have done to him if things had gone worse. If he had bitten Snape, or killed him, there would be no Remus to worry about right now."

"I know, I know, I wasn't thinking. I know it would have devastated Remus if he had hurt Snape or worse…" Sirius says bitterly, and then adds in a quiet, disgusted tone, "and I know better then either of you what the Ministry, or the pure bloods, or the Slytherins -hell, any of the other students-, would do to him if word got out."

Sirius has spent a lot of time thinking about the possible repercussions to his actions since the incident took place. His heart clenches at the thought of his friend in a cage like an animal, or worse, put down as a beast not fit to live, because he simply did not think before acting; a trait that Remus has long warned him would lead to trouble. Even if by some miracle Dumbledore was able to prevent this, his friend would have to face ostracism and the possibly of being killed by the rest of wizarding society. Moreover, if Remus had bitten or otherwise seriously injured Snape, they would not have to; Remus very well might have ended the matter himself in the most permanent of ways.

"Or what he might have done to himself it had gone worse," Sirius says in barely a whisper. He could scarcely imagine his life without Remus Lupin in it. Let alone to know that he was the reason why his innocent friend was taken from him.

"And yet, you wonder why he's not speaking to you…" Peter says sarcastically, which Sirius finds slightly comforting… at least it is a start towards normality.

"He's not just avoiding speaking to _me_; he's not speaking to, or even looking at, _anyone_!" Sirius fumes, though who or what he is angry at, he could not say.

"Well, instead of wallowing in guilt and self pity, why don't you go and handle this." James held up a hand before Sirius could argue the statement. "Don't try to convince him that you didn't do anything terrible, or that Snape deserved it, or that he should forgive you, like you have since it happened. Just try to figure out what's wrong with him and then fix _that_. The rest will work out later."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Sirius admits softly. He refuses to acknowledge how close to whining his voice sounds. "I don't know what's wrong, other then it obviously has to do with what I did that night. What if I make it worse? What if I hurt him more? I want him to forgive me, but I want him to be okay even more."

Something in James' face softened as he released a heavy sigh. "Why don't you say that to him? Remus has always been reasonable, and as honest as his condition will allow; he'll probably talk it out with you if you just give him a reason to."

Peter crossed his arms and looked at Sirius. "What is the worst that could happen? Like you said, he's already as introverted as he could get, short of the folks in the spell damage ward at St. Mungo's. You also said you would rather he yell at you; hit you, or just cry. What else do you think is going to happen?"

James ran a hand through his hair, making it even more unruly then before. "Look, I've got Quidditch practice, Peter has detention, and Remus has been alone out there for long enough. Do you what you want, but at least try to get him to come inside."

After a pointed look from James and a small wave from Peter, the two left Sirius alone in the corridor. After a moment, Sirius decides that his friends are correct. Right now, the important thing is to make certain that Remus will be all right. He stops by the kitchens to gets some scones and cocoa from the eager to please house elves before heading out to the grounds.

It does not take long for his feet to lead him to a path that he can spot Remus from. The slight boy is sitting under a tree beside the lake, nearer to the dark forest then most students are comfortable with remaining. He is somewhat huddled around himself, and is leaning over one of the old tomes that he enjoys poring over. The other students have already headed inside the castle, no one seeming to notice the lone figure they were leaving alone on the quickly cooling grounds. Sometimes Sirius wonders if it just their closeness that makes it easy for him to find his modest friend, or if others would notice the unobtrusive boy as well if he did not try so hard to remain unseen.

Remus can hear better then most people, the other marauders have long wondered if this was a werewolf trait or a Remus trait. However, Remus does not look up to see who is approaching him as most anybody else would. That is another skill his friends have often debated the origins of; Remus always seems to be able to tell when one of the other marauders is near. What they have failed to notice is that this ability seems slightly more attuned to Sirius then the others.

Sirius seats himself beside his friend, closer then James or Peter would, but not as close as he would have a few weeks before. Without preamble, he sets down the mugs of cocoa and the bag of scones. "It's getting bloody chilly out here mate," Sirius says, but not in the light tones he would normally have used to make such a statement. "I brought some of those cranberry orange scones you like," he says as he takes one out of the bag and holds it out in front of his silent companion. "You can't just nibble at lunchtime and not eat for the rest of the day. You'll get sick. The last couple moons have taken enough out of you and the next one is getting close."

Remus folds something he had been writing before the interruption, tucks it into the book, and takes the proffered scone with a murmured 'thank you', but he does not look at his friend or attempt any further conversation.

"Moony," Sirius begins without knowing where he intends this conversation to lead. However, this time Remus turns his bowed head and slowly raises his eyes to meet the grey ones that are demanding him to listen.

Most people consider Remus to be a closed book. He is always mild and well mannered. He does not wear his emotions out for anyone to read them and it is usually impossible to tell what he is thinking. Sirius however, has always been able to tell if the werewolf was calm, sad, happy, nervous, afraid, or feeling particularly mischievous, by looking into his eyes. He used to consider the warm orbs as his own private window into his friend's psyche. Now the curtains behind those windows are drawn closed tightly, and that fact hurts Sirius more then any look or glare ever could.

It did however give him a direction. "Moony, I know I messed up, and I know I can't expect you to just forgive me, but you can't just close yourself off like this. No one else is going to find out while we're here. I don't know if it means anything to you, but I swear that I will never do anything like this again, you have to know that James and Peter won't, and Dumbledore won't let Snape tell."

"Do you really think that matters anymore?" Remus' voice is so soft that Sirius almost misses the question.

"What? Of course it matters." Sirius realises that this may be his only chance to find out what is truly bothering his friend and so he quickly adds, "Why wouldn't it matter anymore?"

The other boy's eyes drop back down to the ground in front of him, although he clearly is not seeing it. "Why should it matter if they know that I'm a monster or not, when the fact remains that I am?" Remus answers, his voice just as quiet as before.

"Moony, no… don't say that; you're not a monster." Sirius states firmly as he reaches out to place an equally firm hand on his friend's slender arm. "You're the best of any of us. You're kind and patient; you put just as much effort and care into your schoolwork and prefect responsibilities as you do marauder-ing and playing. You're always so careful in what you do and say, so that you don't hurt or offend anyone. You actually listen to what people say to you, and you try to understand everyone, even people who would just as soon see you put down, like Snape or that awful woman from the Ministry. You're more humane then any of those gits who claim you're less then human."

Sirius places his other hand under Remus' chin and raises his friend's face to look into it. There are two new scars, which run parallel to each other across the lycanthrope's kind, pale face. One begins over his left eye and crosses diagonally over the bridge of his nose and across his right cheek. The other begins above his left cheekbone and passes over his mouth to end on the right side of his chin. Remus once told Sirius, when the grey-eyed boy caught sight of his sensitive friend's scarred torso by accident one day, that he was just glad the wolf had yet to leave any obvious scars that he could not hide. Sirius knows that the evident claw marks on his friend's face will forever cause his already low self-image to plummet even further, and for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with vanity.

Sirius also realises with a new pang of regret, just how fortunate his friend had been that he did not lose his left eye, or at least the ability to see with it; and that the injury blessedly and narrowly avoided mangling his mouth as well, allowing him to speak just as clearly as he had before. The wolf generally avoided mutilating its face in the past, and a couple days after the incident at the willow, Sirius heard James sand Peter discussing whether the change that night was due to the presence of human scent, or the lack of the wolf's pack mates.

Sirius is of the opinion that, despite the scars and the wan features caused by his monthly ordeals, Remus is one of the loveliest creatures on this earth. Of course, he has never said this to anyone… that could lead to uncomfortable assumptions.

However, now Sirius' attention is on Remus' eyes, which have finally ventured to meet his own. Sirius almost wishes that he had not, because the curtains have been pushed aside to reveal the barest glimpse of what's inside… and it hurts just to see that much.

Pain, fear, sorrow, disappointment, and self disgust, such as Sirius has never imagined, are all there; blending and twisting in a kaleidoscope of torment where a pool of serenity and gentleness normally exists.

Several things occur to Sirius just now. That, even if Snape deserves any fright he may have received in that passageway, it was certainly not worth the price that Sirius had made Remus pay for it. That Remus was no longer keeping Sirius out, which meant that he had already forgiven his rash friend for his cruel and foolish trick, and that his current isolation had nothing to do with anger towards Sirius. Sirius also realises for the first time that he does not consider Remus the same as James or Peter, as he would and could not lose himself staring into either of their eyes. Nor would the sudden notice of such a close proximity and intimate position cause his insides to quiver or his heart to speed up if it were either of the other marauders.

Sirius manages to pull his mind, which has always favoured meandering, back to focus on the reality of the moment when Remus hesitantly places one of his pale, small, and scarred hands over Sirius' own larger, tanner, and flawless one that is still on his scarred but gentle face. "If it makes you feel any better," Remus begins in a voice that has been too hoarse for months, as if it is not accustomed to use. Both boys have privately wondered if the hoarseness in his soft voice was going to be permanent. "You would be the only one to make me believe that I'm not a monster, had it been anyone else who proved the fact."

Sirius almost turns his head to check the lake, because surly the giant squid, or James, or some Slytherin or another, has doused him with its icy water. He does not however, because somewhere in his mind (or maybe it is his heart, since that is where the feeling began) he knows that the sudden numbness he feels is the result of his dear friend's words.

"It's _not_ a fact, Moony." Sirius prevents the other boy from turning his face away again by silently refusing to release his hold on said face. Remus' own hand had fallen away sometime during Sirius' musings. "No, Remus, look at me. You are not a monster; there is nothing to prove. Why would you say such a thing? How could you even think that…?"

"Padfoot…" Remus wants to shake his head, but cannot to due the fact that Sirius is still holding him. He settles with a defeated sigh and squeezes his eyes closed for a second before attempting to explain the obvious to the oblivious. "I would rather die then inflict this curse on someone else, you know that. I cannot stand the thought of causing someone else to suffer like this. I would never willing harm anyone if I could prevent it, and I certainly never want to kill anyone."

"I know that, Remus," Sirius assures his friend as he rubs the arm he has been holding too tightly in a comforting manner. "You haven't harmed anyone."

"But I _would_ have," Remus says in such a pained tone that Sirius instantly decides he would rather die then hear it pass from the vulnerable boy's lips again. "Don't you see? I _would_ have harmed Snape. Iwould never forgive myself for it, but that would not undo the damage I would have inflicted. I could have bitten him _or_ James. I would have… and I would not even know what I had done until the following day! It would not have mattered to the wolf that James and Snape are innocent schoolchildren. I could have k-killed them. _I_ would have done that. We keep referring to the wolf as if it's a separate being, just because I can't control it, but that only makes it worse. It _is_ a part of me, and I hate it! It's disgusting and horrid, but it's still me! _I am _a monster."

Remus is looking at Sirius again, and now, along with everything else Sirius can see in those warm, tortured eyes, Sirius can see that his friend is pleading with him to understand something, only he isn't sure what he's supposed to understand… or do about it. Therefore, Sirius does the only thing he can do, he pulls Remus close and holds him tightly. He is so focused on the svelte boy, whom he is certain is crying silently now, that he can not and does not spare a thought that he would not have this reaction if it were anyone other then Remus.

"I'm so sorry, Moony. I only meant to teach Snape a lesson," Sirius says remorsefully as the thought drifts through his mind.

"I'm sure you did," Remus replies weakly, and Sirius can feel the lycanthrope's shaky breaths against his clavicle, "and the rest of us as well."

That much is true; all of the marauders seem to have learned a great deal from Sirius' folly. He only wished that Remus did not have such a price to pay for those lessons.

Sirius felt more then he heard the next word to fall from Remus' mouth, "Why…?"

"The creep deserved it," Sirius sneers and is thankful that Remus is not in a potion to see it. "Always trying to find out where you go every month, and trying to get us in trouble all the time. I just never thought about the consequences to you… I never would do anything that I know would hurt you, Moony. You…" Sirius stops when he becomes aware that the movement against his chest is Remus shaking his head.

"No, I understand of all that." Sirius wonders if the Remus is aware of how much it means to him that he says this so offhandedly, as if it was never questionable at all. "I meant why did it have to be you? If it were James or Peter, I would believe you now."

"Why?" Sirius asks, although something warm is swelling in his chest and he is not sure why these words cause such a reaction. "Why does it mean more coming from me?"

"I don't think you're going to like hearing this," Remus says meekly as he nervously fidgets with the clasp of Sirius' robe.

"I want to hear it anyway," answers Sirius firmly. He is determined to fix this, and the only way to do that is to understand.

"I… heard of your family before coming to Hogwarts… from my father," Remus admits quietly, and Sirius knows that his poor, half blood, half-breed friend could not have heard anything good given the circumstances. "I was terrified of how you might react when you found out what I am. Not because I thought you were like them," Remus hastens to add. "But… you were raised by them; I know you couldn't have heard anything remotely fair about creatures like me. It would have been completely understandable for you to form a lynch mob and try to have me thrown out of school…or worse."

Sirius subconsciously tightens his hold at the mental image. He realises that he could have been the cause of such a reaction, if Dumbledore had not prevented it. As if sensing his friend's thoughts, Remus responds to the protective embrace with his own comforting one. "But you didn't. You were wonderful, you've made my time here bearable… more then that. My time here with you has been the best of my life. Did you know that you were the first person to hug me after I received the bite?"

"What!? But… But you were only five when you were bitten!" Sirius is seething now. He loosens his hold on Remus, and the other boy pulls away enough to look at him. "How could your parents not hug you during all that you've had to go through?!"

"It's alright Sirius." Remus says mildly. "You know how my father feels about werewolves, and my mother is a Muggle; most would have expected them to put me down or leave me in the woods. They've done better for me then I have any right to expect and I love them, but you…" Remus shakes his head slowly. "You honestly don't care… you never have."

Sirius' eyes widen as he again tightens his hold on his friend, whom he vaguely realised he should not be man handling this way, but he is too concerned with what has just been said to worry about that now. "Moony! How can you think that? Of course, I care! Who yelled at James for watching you like some sort of DADA specimen after we found out? Who do you think it was that first brought up the crazy notion of becoming Animagi? How-"

Remus places his hands against Sirius chest and regards him with a shocked and ashamed expression. "Padfoot, no! I know, I know; that isn't what I meant at all. I'm sorry, I should have chosen my words more carefully. I meant that you've never been bothered by me being a werewolf other then the pain it causes me. You have never treated me as if I was something abnormal… until recently. It's meant the world to me. You've made me feel almost… _human_."

"You _are_ human!" Sirius fights the urge to shake his friend.

"You wouldn't have used a human like that, Sirius." Remus murmurs sadly. "You wouldn't have thought to _exploit_ James or Peter."

"That's just it, Remus, I _wasn't_ thinking! If I had been, I never would have done it." Now it is Sirius' eyes that are pleading for his friend to understand. Not only that he never meant to hurt or use him, but also that he is not the monster he believes himself to be. "What I did does not make you a monster Remus. Please…" Sirius never begs, his breeding insist that he never demeans himself so, but for Remus, he will beg. Now he is realising that he does feel very differently toward the boy before him then he does toward James, whom he loves as a brother, Peter, whom he loves as a friend, or Regulus, whom he loves more out of requirement then fondness. However, now is not the time to worry about what that leaves, because he knows it will take a long time to remove the hurt from Remus' eyes… if that ever can be accomplished. However, right now he has to try to remove the new level of self-depreciation… before it becomes a permanent part of his wonderful friend.

"You didn't make me a monster, Sirius. You didn't make anyone believe that I am, not even me." Remus answers wearily. "Greyback made me a monster, years before I even met you. He is also one of the beasts that made people believe us to be just that. What I become every month is what makes me believe it. What you did only proves that they are right to call me a monster. It's not your fault, it would have happened eventually, only…"

"Only if it had happened differently, I could have made it better," Sirius finished for his friend, who nods and whose expression is an odd mix of anguish and relief.

The light is fading quickly now, and it has gotten far too cold to be out on the grounds. Sirius realises that Remus is not sufficiently dressed for the cold either, probably due to his haste to leave the school population and his lack of concern for his own welfare. Sirius pulls Remus up with him as he stands, and then he removes his own winter cloak and pulls it around the other boy's slight shoulders. This time he certainly realises that he would not do this if it were James or Peter.

Because he does not love James or Peter, not in the way that he loves Remus.

He does not, however, realise that Remus would not have reacted the way that he did to anything Sirius has said and done if it were anyone other then Sirius.

Because Remus does not love anyone the way he loves Sirius.

That is why it hurt so much that Sirius was the one to betray him. That is why Sirius is the only one who could ever make it right. That is why he admitted all of the things that he has to Sirius. That is why he is now allowing himself to be led back to the castle, with Sirius' cloak and arm wrapped around his thin shoulders.

Sirius has always been stubborn and self-assured. Remus has always been patient and passive. Therefore, it comes as little surprise that Sirius determinedly tries to make Remus all right over the next several months. Nor is it shocking that Remus begins to respond to Sirius' efforts.

Remus will always think of himself as a monster, but that does not mean he cannot learn to live with it.

Sirius will never think of Remus as anything less then human, but that does not mean that he cannot accept his lycanthropy as a part of him.

Remus will always love Sirius. He realises this, he just cannot embrace those feelings, for befriending a monster and falling in love with one are two very different conditions.

Sirius will never stop loving Remus. He realises this, he just cannot embrace those feelings because hurting a friend and hurting a lover are two completely different circumstances.

_Step one completed…_


	2. Step Two: Embracing

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter, etc.

**Warnings: **Spoilers for past events referred to in PoA, OotP, and HBP (I think… -not too sure about the last one).

Mild language.

Note that the sub-genre is _romance_. Notice that the main characters are _males_. Read the summary. Put two and two together (I have every confidence that you can).

* * *

When two people fall in love gradually over the course of many years, there are three steps that must be taken before anything can become of it.

Step One: Both parties involved must realise their true feelings.

Step Two: Each party involved must embrace their true feelings.

Step Three: The parties involved must express their true feelings.

_Step two:_

Sirius and Remus remained close throughout the remainder of their time at Hogwarts, and are still close to this day. They share the flat Sirius purchased with some of the money his uncle left him. Both boys or young men now really, have grown very accustomed to each other's presence. Just as Sirius and James were considered inseparable during their school days, now the same could be said for Sirius and Remus.

James and Lily are too involved with each other, and Peter is so busy trying to be useful, that none of them notice the way their two dear friends' glances linger on the other when said other is not looking. In addition, because the previously mentioned friends remain so focused on their new lives and interests, no one pays any mind to just how much time Sirius and Remus spend solely in each other's company.

The lack of interest that they both have shown in dating might have been a clue that something is out of the ordinary with these two, had they been anyone other then themselves. As it is, between Remus' quiet nature and the sensitive secret that he must keep, his lack of a love life meets the expectations of his friends, and no one else pays him enough mind to notice or contemplate it. And of course, with Sirius' carefree nature and the difficulty most have in tying down his attention, his cannot-be-bothered attitude towards romance and the sparse dates he has been on are somewhat expected as well.

Once, in their seventh year at school, Sirius actually came close to accepting the not-so-platonic feelings he has for the werewolf. Shortly after James and Lily began going steady, the bespectacled boy suggested that Sirius find someone to keep him centred and focused the way Lily does for him. Lily then joked lightly that the reason Sirius does not need a girl as James does is because he already has Remus to serve as such a ballast for him. Sirius could not help but laugh at the irony of the statement. However, any thoughts this might have lead to were drowned out when his friends joined in on the laughter, thinking it funny for other reasons, and teasing good naturally about what an unusual pair the two would make.

Since then, Sirius has decided that it is best to ignore these feelings, or at least not to act on them. His nature practically screams at him to do something about them, but he has done a fair job as resisting. You see, Sirius still believes that it would be terribly wrong of him to advance on Remus like that, and he promised himself after the incident by the willow, that he would never mistreat or misuse his friend again. Therefore, while he obviously grew closer to his lycanthropic friend since then, he has also tried repressed his feelings for the werewolf.

When the marauders first join the Order of the Phoenix, some of their former professors decide that it is best to apply the same methods they used when pairing off the boys for assignments at school. You see, pairing James and Sirius, while sounding logical in theory, does not bode well in practise. They feed off each other's energy and egos, and revert to the mischief-making duo they were when they first entered the school.

If, however, one were to pair Sirius with Remus, the results are far more satisfactory. They work off each other well and compliment each other's strengths. Sirius is less convinced of his invincibility and makes far fewer rash decisions and actions when faced with Remus' calm logic. Likewise, Remus is able to push his insecurities aside and tap into a well of power that he normally fears when influenced by Sirius' impetuous behaviour. They also can read each other like no one else can; at times, they work together as one entity placed into two contrasting forms.

So if at times, they seem to communicate without words or even meaningful glances, who is going to complain? If sometimes they lean in a little closer then any other members of the Order would with each other, if they touch each other more often then is necessary by any means, why should anyone find it inappropriate?

Taking into consideration that these two young men discovered the feelings that they harbour for each other at the young age of sixteen when one inadvertently betrayed the other, as well as the current war, and Remus', shall we say, delicate condition, it is really no surprise that they have yet to embrace those feelings. In fact, it would probably take a rather substantial and most likely a rather personal turn of events in order for them to do so.

Fortunately, such an event takes place shortly after they have joined the Order of the Phoenix, when Dumbledore pulls Remus aside after a meeting and asks him to do some mysterious work for the Order… work which only he can do, and which he has to do alone and in secret.

It is the first time any of the marauders are asked to do something alone for the Order, and the first time that Remus has been specifically asked to keep something from Sirius.

You see, ever since the realisation that Remus made in their sixth year at Hogwarts, he has decided that this is really the only thing he must keep hidden from Sirius and he openly shares the rest of himself with his dear friend.

Of course, Sirius does not know that this is the reason behind his friend's new confidences; only that he cherishes and appreciates the complete trust that the werewolf shows in him, and him alone.

Therefore, between this new sense of intimacy, and the feelings that Sirius also realises he holds for his dear friend, it should come as little surprise that Sirius is not pleased that Remus must keep this a secret from him. Especially since Remus appears so upset by whatever he has been asked to do.

When they return home after this meeting, Sirius finds Remus alone in their sitting room. The brown-haired young man has not spoken since Dumbledore pulled him aside, other then to inform his friends that their former headmaster asked him to do something that he cannot tell anyone about, including them. James and Peter accepted this without further comment; Sirius however, cannot keep quiet while his friend is so distant.

"Why would Dumbledore ask you not to tell anyone…? Not the rest of the Order, not even me?" Sirius asks as he opens a bottle of butter beer. "It just doesn't make any sense; and why you? Why can't Dumbledore have one of the Aurors or professors do this thing? I mean, no offence, you're brilliant mate, and you certainly have the patience and a way with words that most the others and me lack, but you don't have any special training. You're in the same boat that we are, well except for your…"

Sirius' eyes widen and he turns to look at his friend, who is standing before his favourite window. Remus is very still and quiet. He is staring out the window but does not appear to be taking in anything its view has to offer. Sirius painfully remembers a day, nearly two years prior, when his friend also appeared to have retreated into his mind.

Of course, the rest of the circumstances are better then that awful time, or so Sirius hopes. He puts down his drink and crosses the room to stand beside the solemn young man. "Moony, does this have anything to do with you being a werewolf?"

"I told you, Dumbledore does not want anyone to know, but even he stated that I am the only one who is perfectly suited for this task." Remus' voice is still hoarse; indeed the change has proved to be permanent, as have the scars that mar his otherwise kind and lovely (at least in Sirius' opinion) face.

"_Perfectly suited_, eh?" Says Sirius as he continues to regard his dismayed companion. "So then your patience, brilliance, diplomatic way with words, and your lycanthropy are all coming into play?" he asks lightly, hoping to bring his friend out of the melancholy state he is in, if only by a margin. However, something he has just said strikes a chord in his own mind. "Wait… _diplomatic_… He… _No_, Moony, tell me that barmy old coot does not expect you to act as some sort of diplomat between the Order and those beasts that Voldemort is trying to win over."

Remus turns his head and raises his eyes to gaze into the grey ones that are practically burning him with the intensity of their stare. "Please, Padfoot… I cannot talk about this. I have to do it, not just because I'm the only one who can, but because…" Remus' voice falters, and then he turns his face away to look at some unseen spot out the window.

Most of Sirius' anger ebbs away at this display of unease from his friend. He places a hand between the werewolf's shoulders and rubs gently. "Moony, you don't have to do it. I don't care what Dumbledore says, you can just stick to the work we've been doing. You don't owe him anything."

Remus lowers his head and then shakes it slowly. "Yes, I do, but that's not why I'm doing it Padfoot. I don't want to, but…"

"-But nothing," interrupts Sirius firmly. "If you don't want to do this, then don't do it. I know you rarely worry for your safety, but _I_ do. Not only is anything involving werewolves bound to be very dangerous, but I know how it affects you when something reminds you of your beastliness, as you consider it, or when people treat you like you're less then a person."

"I _am_ less, Padfoot," Remus murmurs weakly, "that's why I have to do this. I told you, it's not just because I'm the only one who can. It's because… I understand…" Remus' hoarse voice fills with shame as he continues to gaze out the window with unseeing eyes.

Sirius' eyebrows furrow as he tries to figure out what his friend means by that... why he is so ashamed. "I don't understand, Remus. Why do you think you have to do this?"

Remus moves as if he is going to turn away, but Sirius adjusts his hand on the werewolf's back and turns him so that they are nearly facing each other. Then he lifts Remus' face with the other hand, although the lycanthrope still avoids meeting his gaze. "Moony, we've been through this. Nothing, and I mean _nothing_, will make me see you as a monster. Please, tell me what is happening… or if you cannot do that, at least tell me what is wrong. You were fine until Dumbledore spoke to you. Did he-?"

"It isn't anything that he said, exactly," Remus says quietly as he finally meets Sirius' eyes. Once again, Sirius can read every emotion passing through his friend, and once again, it hurts him to see his friend so tormented. "The reason _those beasts_, as you appropriately call them, are so interested in joining Voldemort's side is because he is offering them something that our side never has and never will. _That _is what I understand, Padfoot. I do not believe it, but I understand; it is the chance to be free, to be considered equal to everyone else. Thatis why I have to do this… Because it is wrong, Voldemort's followers will even further mistreat them once they run out of uses for creatures like us. You may not see me the same as those monsters, but I am."

Shame, guilt, hurt, disgust, acceptance, fear, determination, and self-loathing are starting to battle for top spot in Remus' eyes, and Sirius starts to understand, although he still disagrees. He wonders if he will ever be able to make his cherished friend see himself as Sirius does. "Don't you see, Moony? That you fight against someone who would try to offer you freedom in any form, and instead join the side of the ones who have made your life even more difficult then it needs to be, simply because its _right_ proves that you are not like those other monsters. They are willing to join Voldemort because they don't mind hurting others the way they themselves have been hurt. They don't feel disgust and torment because of what they must become every month. You are _not_ like them."

Sirius wants to shake his friend until the emotions swirling in those warm eyes clear, and his mate can see past the hurt and the shame to the wonderful person that he is. Either that or he wants to do something that he can never do because then he would not be able to deny the way is feeling for his friend anymore.

However, that is an entirely different problem, which Sirius is more then happy to leave for another time. The main issue he has with facing that matter is that Sirius has always been a doer. Remus is the thinker; that is why the two friends work so well together, they balance each other out. However, this requires thinking and Sirius does not have the patience or the consideration to handle it as it should be; those traits are also Remus' forte. Normally, Sirius would turn to Remus for assistance in such a predicament and lay it all (or as close to all as he was willing to, but then Remus would look into his eyes and fill in all the blanks himself) out and say _how do I fix it, Moony_. However, how can he ask Remus for help when the problem is that he is falling in love with the lycanthrope?

Sirius decides to tackle one issue at a time for now, as he is still holding onto Moony and knows that he should probably say _something_ to ease the distressed young man. "You don't have to prove anything, Remus."

Now Sirius is tempted to look away from Remus' eyes for an entirely different reason. All of the same emotions from before are still present, only now there is also trust, comfort, appreciation, loyalty, and love. "I know I don't have to prove anything to _you_, Padfoot. You never have feared or hated that other part of me, have you?" The words are light; however, Remus' eyes are telling Sirius that this question -this moment- is important.

"Never, Moony… never," Sirius answers with a slow, single shake of his head, yet he manages to hold the other young man's eyes with his as he does this. "You're my Moony no matter what time of the month it is." Sirius smirks as he says this, but the smirk drops when he feels Remus stiffen slightly, even though his expression does not change.

"You really don't think you'll ever feel any differently about me?" Remus asks softly, he too has yet to turn his eyes away, which is rare for Remus.

"I _know_ I never will." Sirius answers and he means it in more then one manner of speaking. Too bad he is not aware that the question held two meanings as well.

Remus moves forward to fill the small space between them, to hold onto his friend and bury his face into his shoulder, another rarity for Remus. Usually, Sirius initiates physical contact between the two young men. "That means so much to me, Padfoot," the lycanthrope whispers. "You'll never know how much…"

Sirius wastes no time in encircling his arms around the werewolf's thin shoulders. "I now you're stronger then most of us, but you're also a lot more fragile; don't let them break you, Moony… _Any _of them." One of his hands resumes its earlier activity of lightly rubbing his friend's back. He can feel the tension starting to ease out of the other young man, and smiles to himself for being the only one who seems capable of both noticing and alleviating that tension.

"You be sure to watch out for yourself, too." Sirius' shirt as well as Sirius himself muffles Remus' voice, but neither of the two makes any move to pull away. "Don't be acting too rash when I'm not there to watch your back. I don't want anything to happen to you either."

Sirius chuckles and he can feel Remus smile against him in response. "Why don't we make a deal, then?" He says as he adjusts his hold on the werewolf into a more comfortable one, with both his arms wrapped around the middle of his friends back. Sirius realises that he could stand like this for ages. "I won't get myself killed in this war if you won't either, alright?"

"That sounds fair," agrees Remus. After a moment of silence, the lycanthrope parts with tradition for the third time by being the first to break that silence. "Also, I promise that I won't keep anymore secrets from you after this war is finished;" he murmurs dejectedly.

For a moment, Sirius wonders why it bothers Remus so much that he has been asked to keep the work he must do a secret from Sirius. Sure, it bothers Sirius, but that is for his own reasons. He realises how open his friend has been with him ever since the willow incident a couple years prior, and wonders if perhaps his friend is trying to compensate for how much of himself he must keep hidden from the world by being completely honest with one person. He just cannot figure out why Remus chose _him _as that person, especially after the previously mentioned mishap.

Never one to question a good thing, and he considers the person in his arms to be one of the best things in his life, Sirius opts not to inquire into this oddity. Instead, he strengthens his hold on the lissom werewolf and once again marvels at how forgiving his friend is. Never has he held that incident against Sirius, or ever truly showed any feelings of blame or mistrust toward him.

It is now that Sirius begins to wonder if it really such a bad thing to embrace the feelings he conceals for his cherished friend. For surely, those feelings cannot be as wrong as he has believed if it feels so right to embrace the young man like this. Moreover, why would they fit together so perfectly, as if by some grand design, if they were each supposed to fit elsewhere?

Remus turns his head but keeps it against Sirius and releases a small sigh. Sirius can feel his friends lungs expand and contract before he feels his breath ghost over his chest. The black-haired man knows that he is far too comfortable in this position to deny the reason behind it. He releases a sigh of his own.

"What are you thinking about, Padfoot?" Remus murmurs into Sirius' chest.

"What makes you assume I'm thinking about anything in particular right now?" Sirius responds flippantly to buy himself time, as he does not want to say what he was truly thinking. "You know the way my mind wanders this way and that."

"You don't sigh like that unless you're contemplating something when you would rather just act, but aren't sure how," retorts Remus gently. "Now stop stalling and let's have it."

Sirius chuckles lightly, "You know me too well." His mood sobers considerably when he speaks next. "I don't want to lose you, Moony. If Dumbledore needs _you_ to do this, then it has to do with werewolves. Either spying, converting, or reconnoitring, and any will be very dangerous. Voldemort will hear about you sooner or later… and he will want you. If the other werewolves can't convince you to change sides, they'll kill you, but Voldemort and Greyback will make sure they've tried every angle first." It is not exactly what he had been thinking of course, but Sirius _is_ worried for his friend, and so he decides it is not completely a lie, as the words are true anyway.

Remus tightens his grip on Sirius slightly and, it seems, subconsciously. "I am not going to join Voldemort, and I doubt I will be worth killing… for his side anyway; I'm more worried about the Ministry in that respect. I do not expect that I will be in any more danger then you are. I am not going anywhere near Greyback, and no one else knows who I am. Remember, I'm quite good at avoiding notice."

Sirius scoffs, "Over half our graduating class probably couldn't tell anyone your name, and I bet that number has increased already. I wouldn't be surprised if Madame Rosmerta or any of the shop keeps at Hogsmeade couldn't recall you, but students and shop owners are not the same as werewolves and Death Eaters. It is only a question of how long it will be before Voldemort or Greyback figure out that someone is working against them from the inside. After that, they will seek you out. Be careful, Moony, I mean it."

Sirius tightens his hold on Remus and wishes that he could just refuse to let go. That he could simply tell Remus that he will not allow him to follow Dumbledore's mysterious order and that he must stay with him instead. He suspects that if he pushes the subject, Remus would do as he wishes, but it would not be what Remus wants. Sirius cannot understand why his friend has such a poor self-image, but if he feels that he must do this, then Sirius will not stop him. He does not want to add to his friend's feelings of shame and self-loathing.

Sirius rests his cheek against Remus' forehead, "If you truly feel that you have to do this, then I won't make it any harder on you then it has to be, but if you start to get in too deep; if you get into any trouble at all, I want to know about it. Hang Dumbledore and his orders; if you need me, I'm there."

Sirius feels Remus close his eyes and take a steadying breath, and briefly wonders why before his friend speaks. "Thank you, Padfoot. I would not dream of turning to anyone else. I hope you know that you can come to me for anything as well."

Sirius pushes aside the troublesome thoughts and the warm feeling in his chest that these words inspire. "Of course, Moony." While James is certainly Sirius' best friend, he cannot deny that there is something so much stronger between him and Remus. Sirius again begins to think that _this_, whatever is may be, cannot be as wrong as he has thought over the past two years. Surely, he will never betray Remus' trust again, and somehow his cherished friend forgave him for it before Sirius himself even realised the depth of that last betrayal.

In addition, Sirius realises now that embracing his love for Remus is not the burden that he thought it would be. Instead, it is a relief, as if his very being has been waiting for this acceptance. He thought that it would make it harder to be around Remus and that surely, he would accidentally give away his emotions. However, being with Remus like this actually feels less awkward now, and the sensation of the young werewolf in his arms is even richer. Also, Sirius realises that he has been holding Remus much closer and for much longer then any other friend would, assuming that Remus would allow anyone else to hold him as such, which Sirius very much doubts -and _that_ thought pleases him more then it should. Yet, Remus allows Sirius to be with him like this, and has not commented on any abnormalities or discomfort that he finds in the position.

Sirius embraces his love for Remus; because of all the dark relics he feels surrounded by, Remus is the only one he has never wished to be rid of.

What Sirius does not understand is the reason behind Remus' acceptance of their current position. It is because the young lycanthrope has already taken the step that Sirius is just now achieving, for Remus learned long before Sirius how to embrace the things, even and most especially the ones about yourself, which you simply cannot change.

Remus embraces his love for Sirius, because of all the burdens he must bear; this is the only one he does not long to be free of.

That is why Remus has not kept any secrets from Sirius for so long, and why it pains so much to keep this one from him now. That is why he has allowed Sirius to grow so close to him over the years. That is why he allows himself to cling to Sirius, and allows Sirius to hold him like this in return. That is why he does not mind if Sirius never wants to let go.

Sirius has always been laid-back and reckless. Remus has always been meticulous and careful. Therefore, it comes as little surprise that Remus is able to keep this secret from Sirius when he truly would rather not. Nor is it shocking that Sirius will eventually be lead to the wrong conclusions because of this. What is especially unsurprising is the heartache that they will each endure over time, after these two concepts come into effect.

Remus will always feel the need to prove his worth to humanity, but that does not mean that he cannot accept what he shares in common with humans.

Sirius will never think that Remus has any need to prove his humanity, but that does not mean that he cannot understand that his friend needs a little extra comfort in that regards.

Remus will always love Sirius. He embraces this, but he cannot express those feelings, for Sirius is the only thing he could not bear to lose.

Sirius will never stop loving Remus. He embraces this, but he cannot express those feelings, because Remus is the only thing with which he is always careful.

_Step two completed…_


	3. Step Three: Expressing

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter, etc.

**Warnings: **Spoilers for past events referred to in PoA, OotP, and HBP (I think… -not too sure about the last one).

Mild language.

Note that the sub-genre is _romance_. Notice that the main characters are _males_. Read the summary. Put two and two together (I have every confidence that you can).

* * *

When two people fall in love gradually over the course of many years, there are three steps that must be taken before anything can become of it.

Step One: Both parties involved must realise their true feelings.

Step Two: Each party involved must embrace their true feelings.

Step Three: The parties involved must express their true feelings.

_Step three:_

It has been eighteen years since Sirius and Remus each realised their feelings for the other. Sixteen years have passed since they were each able to embrace those feelings. Thirteen years ago, a horrible incident occurred which separated them, and left Sirius imprisoned in Azkaban for crimes he did not commit, as Remus is shunned from a society that no longer has need of him, and for something that is no fault of his own. Last year, Sirius and Remus were briefly united, and each realised that love truly knows no boundaries, for they both still feel the same. Two weeks ago, Padfoot and Moony reunited more permanently when Dumbledore sent Sirius to Remus' home with instructions to inform Remus that their services will again be needed, and to lay low at Lupin's.

Sirius has wished for the past thirteen years that he had remembered a conversation between him and Remus that took place a couple years before both of their worlds collapsed around them. Alternatively, that he had remembered an incident a couple of years before that, when he thought he learned how acting without understanding could harm someone you do not intent to.

Considering all that has transpired, with Sirius having the audacity to suspect Remus as a spy, the resulting nightmare, the deaths of their friends, and the isolation that they both have had to endure since, Sirius had not expected his last remaining friend to accept him back into his life the way he has. In addition, Remus was not sure what to expect from his treasured friend, once they were reunited. However, he is rather pleasantly surprised to find that Azkaban, the slow march of time, and the events of the past, have not altered Sirius very much.

However, considering all that that these two young (for they are still rather young, even if they may not feel that way) men have experienced together, is it truly a surprise that that they are able to pick up the threads of their old relationship and weave them together again to be even stronger? The deep feelings they unknowingly share, and the way they have always complimented and understood each other are still there, as if the years apart have melted away when the two marauders came together.

Naturally, Remus forgives Sirius for all of his past mistakes, and he understands completely why his friend made them to begin with, although, being Remus, he does not believe that Sirius is completely at fault. In addition, Sirius can of course understand why Remus believed him to be the traitor and forgives him for this, although he hardly thinks any apologies were necessary to begin with.

Taking into consideration how long these two young men have kept their feelings to themselves, the pains and horrors they have endured, and the fact that they know better than most what they will have to face and endure throughout the oncoming war, it comes as no surprise that they have yet to express their feelings to each other. In fact, it would probably take a rather honest and intimate moment for them to do so.

They find themselves in such a moment during the beginning of their third week together.

Sirius has recovered well while staying with Remus; he now eats, baths, and sleeps well and regularly. His appearance is a drastic improvement from the time he escaped Azkaban; he has filled out nicely, his dark hair has regained much of its previous lustre, and most importantly, his grey eyes are no longer lifeless or haunted. However, while Sirius appreciates everything that Remus has done to heal and accommodate him; the thing that has made the largest difference to Sirius is the company of his dearest friend.

Sirius has never been a solitary person, not to say that he cannot handle being alone, his years in Azkaban have proved that he can, however, he always has preferred to have people around him, especially ones that he enjoys and can talk to or joke with. This fact actually played a large role in the origins of Sirius' friendship with Remus. During their first year in school, Sirius, who had become fast friends with his other dorm mates, could not understand how his polite, sickly-looking roommate could spend so much of his time alone, and therefore decided that he needed to make the other boy a part of his little gang.

A quiet evening two weeks after Sirius' arrival finds the dark-haired man looking through the cottage Remus inherited when his parents passed away, once again searching for the quiet lycanthrope who has wondered off somewhere by himself. Fortunately, the cottage is rather small, and Sirius quickly finds his truest friend standing on the back porch, looking out at the woods that surround the little cottage, and obviously deep in thought.

Sirius moves to stand beside his pensive friend. Without preamble, he reaches out an arm, brushes the other man's grey flecked, light brown hair away from his eyes, and then runs his hand through the soft hair, allowing it to rest at the base of his friend's neck. Sirius smiles benignly when this action causes Remus' eyes to drift close for a moment, his head to lower slightly, and his shoulders to relax.

"Dumbledore still has not explained anything to Harry," Remus surprises Sirius by speaking before the grey-eyed man can ask what the matter is. "I don't understand that. It makes sense not to hit him with everything at once, and there are some things I suppose he doesn't need to know, but I don't understand why Dumbledore doesn't want to explain any of it, or allow one of us to explain." His hoarse but soft voice has a wary note to it, one that Sirius has noticed a lot since his arrival. He wonders how long it has been threatening to become permanent.

Sirius also wonders why Remus has volunteered this information. "What brought this on? It's not like you to so openly question Dumbledore's reasoning." Sirius hopes that his dearest friend understands the true question. Before all of his friends betrayed him, Remus had been completely open with Sirius, a fact that always pleased the dark-haired man greatly. Now the grey-eyed man cannot express how happy he is that Remus has once again adopted this habit of being completely honest with him.

"Well I did promise I wouldn't keep any secrets from you after the last war." Remus answers mildly, and then continues as if he is unaware that he just made his last remaining friend's day. "Harry is like James… and you. He acts whether he understands the circumstances and the possible repercussions or not. He also cannot stand to feel weak or useless, and trust seems to be a mild issue. I fear that isolating him at this point is going to lead to ill results, and he deserves to know the truth in any case. I just… I have a bad feeling about this. I don't want anything to happen to him… or to you. He doesn't even know about the prophecy."

Sirius feels simultaneously pleased that Remus has grown to know Harry so well, and irritated that he himself knows so little about the boy. However, none of that is Remus' fault, and Sirius knows he should feel pleased that one of them has managed to know the real Harry. "I know, Moony. I'm worried about him too, and I don't know what I'm going to do if anything happens to you." Sirius stops his fingers, which he has been absently running up and down his friend's slender neck, when the logical point of Remus' words occur to him. "Harry doesn't even know about the prophecy? Didn't he wonder how James and Lily knew that Voldemort was after him?"

"I don't think he yet understands that it was _him_ Voldemort was specifically after." Remus answers softly. "He hardly knew anything when we met on the train, Sirius. He didn't learn about you until after you escaped."

"He didn't learn about me until then?" Sirius asks in surprise. He had just assumed, when Harry proclaimed that Sirius betrayed his parents, and when he said that he knew Sirius was his Godfather, that someone -specifically Dumbledore, Hagrid, or Remus- explained at least the main facts to the boy. "So, he didn't know who you were? I mean, you told me about meeting on the train and all, but… Did he just think you were a strange, young, professor in shabby robes at first?"

"I sent letters to him… birthday cards and such, all the Muggle way of course, I remember what Lily said about her sister and brother-in-law," Remus says mildly, "but I don't believe they reached him. He already had the Map and James' cloak by the time he began to talk to me; I think most of what he knows is through eavesdropping, Draco Malfoy, Hermione, and general word of mouth."

"I told you I never trusted that Muggle post," says Sirius lightly, although he suspects that the issue with the letters has more to do with Petunia Dursley and less with the competency of the Muggle post delivery. "So, he knows nothing aside from common knowledge? Besides my innocence, your furry little problem, the marauders, and the rat, I mean. Hasn't he questioned why everything happened?"

"I suspect he's wondered, but he might not know that there is an explanation." Remus answers thoughtfully. Sirius has resumed his ministrations on the lycanthropes neck and the werewolf is subconsciously melting. "I expect he's been too distracted to give it his full attention, first by your escape, then the tournament, and now Voldemort's return."

"Then we'll tell him," Sirius says simply, as he begins stroking his friend's soft hair again. "We have more right to make these sorts of decisions for him then _anyone_. You're right, though; it is too much to hit him with at once. We'll start slow… we have time, right?" Sirius feels Remus tense suddenly under his fingers. His grey eyes close for a moment and he swears before opening them again. "If that barmy old bastard has asked you-!"

"He hasn't," Remus replies softly, but tightly, as if he is carefully maintaining his usually subconscious mild manner. "Not yet, anyway, but he will, Padfoot. We have the advantage of Harry's warning and Dumbledore knows better than to waste it. Besides, I was somewhat successful in my endeavours during the last war. I could not talk most of the beings I dealt with into joining us, but I managed to convince them not to join Voldemort. It wasn't much, but it was something."

"That's more then something, Moony; that's incredible." Sirius says as he moves his hand to squeeze Remus' shoulder. "Your right, as usual… I wouldn't even put it past Dumbledore to push further this time. If he asks you to spy, Moony…" Sirius voice lowers and gains a slightly dangerous quality. "Then he and I are going to be having a nice long talk about practising what you preach. He wouldn't put the rest of us in that position; spying on werewolves and recruiting magical beasts and beings isn't the same as dealing with humans."

"Which is why he asks the only nonhumans to do it," Remus answers reasonably. Sirius is sickened to find that all traces of bitterness or contempt for the matter have left his voice. During their years of separation, his friend has grown to accept that the world around him views him as something less then human. Remus still feels shamed by this fact, but whatever part of him used to fight it has long given up.

"What will you do if he asks you not to tell anyone again?" Sirius asks quietly, he is not sure that he wants to hear the answer, but he must. He can't stand the idea of having to go through all that again… not knowing what Remus is doing, where he is, or if he's alright tore him apart before, and the bitterness it caused is what led him to make one of the biggest mistakes of his life.

"I'll tell him that I'm sorry, but I did promise you first," Remus deadpans as he turns his head to face Sirius. The smile returns to Sirius' face. That Remus would defy Dumbledore simply for the right to be honest with him means so much to the Animagus… to both of them actually. The smile falters and is replaced by guilt when Remus speaks next. "If I hadn't been such a fool before… If I had told you everything, like I wanted to, the whole mess would have happened differently. You wouldn't have lost faith in me." His voice is wary again, and his eyes hold such sorrow and regret that Sirius can hardly bear to look into them, but he does.

Sirius moves his hand from the lycanthropes thin shoulder to his pale face. He holds his friend's cheek and jaw and forces him to continue looking at him. "Nothing that has happened was your fault, Remus. I should have just come to you," Sirius says firmly, but gently, and with a bitter edge. "I should have known better. I should have trusted you. You never gave me any reason not to… _I'm _the one who betrayed _you_."

Remus shakes his head slowly and looks at Sirius; his warm eyes are full of sympathy, regret, empathy, sorrow, and hope. "I should have spoken to you, too. I knew something was wrong… and I hated keeping what I was doing for the Order from you. However, I am through with wishes and regrets. They never accomplish anything and I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it. I won't be making the same mistakes again."

"I won't either, I promise Moony; this time you count on me." Sirius says quietly as he places his other hand on the werewolf's waist and uses it to turn him so that they are completely facing each other. He still does not release the scarred man's face and does not yet realise how unusual it is for Remus to allow himself to be manhandled by anyone except for Sirius.

He does however notice the complete trust and comfort that appear into the mix of sorrow, determination, and shame that usually grace Remus' calm eyes. Sirius feels his breath catch and then he adjusts his hold on Remus' face so that it becomes more of a caress. He does not expect Remus to pull away, but he also does not expect Remus to lean into the caress. Therefore, you can imagine his surprise when his precious friend does just that.

Now Sirius' hand completely envelops Remus' cheek and part of his mouth and his kind eyes close softly. Overall, the gentle werewolf looks more comfortable and vulnerable then he has allowed himself to be since the last time Sirius saw him this way all those years ago.

Just then, Sirius decides to hang the consequences, for when has he ever bothered with that sort of thing anyway? He moves forward a few inches before Remus releases a soft chuckle, which is lovely to hear in Sirius' opinion, but which also brings him back to what remains of his senses.

"And what, may I ask, is funny at the moment?" Sirius asks with a smile larger then any he's worn in the past fourteen years.

Remus does not move away before he answers, causing his lips to brush against Sirius' palm as he speaks. "It seems that every time we have one of these life defining conversations, my face ends up in your hand at some point or another."

Sirius smile grows until it threatens to split his handsome face, and then he releases one of his bark-like laughs. "That's true, isn't it? You know, you also end up in my arms at some point, too," Sirius says in a display of his usual confidence and Gryffindor bravery. "Do you mind terribly if we get to that part now?"

Sirius can feel as well as see the small but warm smile that turns the corners of his friend's mouth. Then Remus shifts his head without removing it from Sirius' hand and opens his gentle eyes to look into Sirius grey ones. "I would like that," he says softly, but Sirius can see a much stronger reaction in those warm orbs. He can see comfort, happiness, longing, pain, and love.

Before he can lose himself in those eyes, Sirius pulls his dear friend into a firm embrace, which Remus welcomes and returns warmly.

After a long moment of simply relishing in the fact that he is holding the svelte lycanthrope in his arms once more, Sirius' mind turns to the words his friend -his _love_- has just spoken. "Why did you say that this always happens during _life defining _conversations? What changed during those other conversations?"

Sirius knows why _he_ considers them life defining and even life altering. However, he expected rational, reasonable, subtle Remus to consider other conversations to be life defining, such as the one he overheard between his parents and the Healers after he received his bite, or the argument they had when Sirius 'accepted' that Remus was the spy. Of course, Remus did not know what that argument was truly about at the time, but Sirius is quite sure that the wise lycanthrope has figured it out since.

Sirius is saved from having to dwell on these unpleasant memories when he feels Remus' lips start moving against his neck. "I don't think you're going to like hearing this," he says meekly.

Sirius smiles at the familiar warning. "I want to hear it anyway," he answers firmly.

"Do you remember the first time you held my face like that?" Remus asks quietly.

Sirius smiles lightly at the memory. "Yes, it was after we had the horrible idea to corner you and confront you about our suspicions that you were a werewolf in second year. We were such prats; we must have frightened you death."

"You barely spoke at first and you looked furious," Remus says lightly into Sirius' chest. "Then James asked a rather tactless question and before I knew what was happening, the two of you were arguing and then I ran."

"I found you crying in the owlery," Sirius says as he strokes the lycanthrope's gracefully slender back. "You just started apologising and pleading with me not to tell anyone until you were gone and I remember it sounded as if you were terrified that we, or someone, was going to hurt you and I realised how hard it must be to be you."

"You took my face in your hands," Remus voice is softer as if he is growing comfortable. "No one had ever done that before without hurting me."

"It was the only way I could get you to raise your face and look at me," Sirius adds.

"You told me that you, James, and Peter had been fools to approach the issue like that. I could not believe it when you said that you did not mind what I am, that you would keep my secret, and that you still wanted to be my friend. After that, you gave me my first hug since I became a monster." Remus releases a small sigh and continues, "I realised that I loved you that day; during that exact conversation."

"You are _not_ a monster, Moony," Sirius says quietly and steadily. He broke his friend of this habit in the past and he intends to do it again. The Animagus is angered that the life Remus has lead in his absence has successfully lowered the lycanthrope's sense of self-worth enough for him to start referring to himself as a monster again.

Remus continues with his explanation as if Sirius has not commented on his status as a being. "Then, in fifth year, after you showed me the results of your '_grand master plan to help Moony_'…"

Sirius chuckled, "I still think it was a brilliant idea… and it worked, didn't it? We had successfully become Animagi and the wolf was much easier on you during the nights that we came out to play with it." He tightens his hold on Remus, who seems to fit against him perfectly, Sirius notes.

"It was brilliant," Remus agrees, and Sirius can feel his small smile against him. "Mental, but brilliant… and the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me. When I tried to convince you not to risk so much for me, you took my face in your hands again."

"Again, because you would not up or look me in the eyes." Sirius comments drily. "We really are going to have to work on your self-esteem sometime, Moony. It took me ages to convince you that you were more then worth the risks for me… as if I ever was one to worry about silly things like risks and consequences. Then as I recall, I had the privilege of pulling you into an embrace again."

Remus chuckles lightly before taking a deep breath, and then seeming to speak while holding it, he says, "that day, during that conversation, I realised that I felt differently about you than I did anyone else. I couldn't quite place it at the time, but I knew you had become the one person I could not live without."

"You can't live without me?" Sirius asks quietly, suddenly the conversation does not feel so light… now it feels like it just might be the most important conversation of his life. "What did you do the whole time I was in Azkaban?" He adds in an attempt to keep the atmosphere calm, because he really wants Remus to continue speaking.

"I survived," Remus replies, "but surviving is not the same as living. I survived before I went to Hogwarts and met you, James, and Peter. I learned to live while I was there with you. I lived with you for some time afterwards, and then I just started surviving again."

Sirius' throat, as well as his embrace, tightens and he rests his head on top of Remus'. "I want us both to start living again, Moony. We deserve it, don't we? To enjoy our lives… together?"

"I think so," Remus answers gently. "The next one was in sixth year, after the incident with Snape and the willow."

Sirius releases a heavy sigh, one which he realises Remus must feel, with how close he is holding the werewolf, and closes his eyes. "I was such a fool. I never should have put you in that position."

"You weren't thinking about how it would affect me, Padfoot," Remus' voice holds no bitterness or spite, just as it did all those years ago. "Anyway, I'm sure you remember that conversation, but what you don't know is that one of the reasons why it hurt me so much to have you be the one to…"

"To betray you?" Sirius suggests when Remus pauses to no doubt think of a more considerate way to phrase Sirius' past actions. "To hurt you? To be the first to throw you to the snakes that I swore I was going to protect you from?"

"I was going to say 'do that', but that's not the point, and you really need to let that go, Padfoot." Remus says as he moves his face so that his forehead is nestled into the crook of Sirius neck and his nose is against his clavicle. "My point is that I realised during that time that I didn't just love you… I realised that I was in love with you." Remus does not speak for a moment after that confession; in fact, Sirius can tell that his love is not breathing either. Sirius can feel it, with the way he is holding the smaller man cradled against him.

Sirius cannot blame Remus, for he thinks that he has forgotten how to breathe as well. The grey-eyed man tries to remind himself that his friend has been using past tense. Whether that is because he is referring to past emotions or simply past events is unknown as of yet. Therefore, Sirius decides to hold off any reactions… besides, Remus seems to be trembling now and Sirius wants his friend to continue to be comfortable in his arms, and to continue his explanation.

The Animagus lowers his face and inhales the warm, fresh scent of Remus as he gives the slim back another soothing stroke. "It's alright, Moony," he whispers, "please continue."

After releasing the breath he has been holding, Remus loosens his hold on Sirius shirt, which he had subconsciously gripped as he made the previous confession. "After Dumbledore asked me to speak to and reconnoitre with other werewolves, we had another of these conversations."

"I remember that one, too," Sirius offers.

"You were so… wonderful, really," Remus says with a timid quality to his voice, as if he's embarrassed or unsure if this is the proper way to express what he is trying to. Sirius grins to himself, thinking that Remus always was one for propriety… most of the time, anyway. Taking the lack of any change in Sirius stance as a good sign, and no doubt feeling the small smile, the slender werewolf continues speaking. "You were obviously concerned for me, and a little irritated, whether at me, Dumbledore, or just the situation, I was never sure, but you still accepted it and you supported my decision. You also seemed rather protective of me, but then, I suppose we all were a little over-protective of the ones we cared about during the war."

"I was never angry with you," Sirius says, just to make sure that the fact is known. "And of course I was protective of you. What would I do without you?" Sirius feels Remus tense slightly and it almost feels as if the fawn-haired man chocked on his own breath for a second or two. Sirius hopes that he has not said too much; that he has not upset the beloved person in his arms.

"Go on," Sirius says as he gives his cherished friend a squeeze.

"I had been, well, not fighting it exactly, but I certainly was reluctant to accept the way I felt about you as being alright." Remus says in as much of a rush as the careful werewolf ever says anything. With a small sigh and another squeeze from Sirius, he relaxes considerably and continues in a much smoother tone. "I just didn't think it was acceptable for a… for someone like me to love someone like… that. However, I realised sometime before that conversation that I cannot change how I feel. My love for you is simply a part of me, like any other part that I cannot change. During that conversation, I realised that it is all right for me not to want it to change… that I _should_ not want to change it. I don't think anyone could blame even a werewolf for falling in love with you."

Once again, neither man seems able to breath, and Sirius wishes that he could see Remus' face, but that face is still tucked into his neck. Sirius knows that Remus rarely speaks without thinking. _When you have something so important to hide, and you prefer not to lie any more than necessary, you have to choose your words carefully;_ Remus once told Sirius that, although Sirius has always wondered if Remus would be careful with his words anyway. In any case, Sirius knows that it is no slip of the tongue that Remus switched to the present tense.

Sirius manages to pull away from his thoughts to focus on the precious being that he is holding, who is holding onto him as if for dear life. He does not need to see Remus to know that he is holding his eyes closed. His head has lowered and his body stiffened, and Sirius can tell that the lycanthrope is waiting for another emotional blow. He clearly expects Sirius to be less then pleased by the news, although Sirius hopes that he knows him well enough to know that he would not be angry with him, if that was the case.

"Moony," Sirius begins and he sounds as if he has been running for a long time. "You know I've never felt badly about nearly killing Snape. The entire reason that I felt so remorseful about that trick is because I hurt you, and I made you feel even worse about yourself then you already had. I made you believe the terrible things that people like Snape or my parents think about you. When we were talking on the grounds that day, I realised that part of the reason why I felt so horribly, is because I love you. I mean, I knew that I loved you for years, but that evening I realised that I had fallen in love with you."

Sirius feels Remus blink against his throat and continues without any sign of fear or regret. "Only, I was too stupid to just accept it. I had betrayed you; I had hurt you. I broke your trust and your heart, and I knew it. I wasn't sure how you felt about me, but I wasn't about to risk damaging you any further. I think I hid my feeling well enough, either that or we were surrounded by unobservant idiots." Sirius chuckles briefly, although whether it is from his joke or just at the joy of finally expressing these feelings, he is not sure.

The dark-haired man can feel Remus loosen his muscles and begin to tremble lightly once again. "When Dumbledore pulled you aside that day and you returned saying that he asked you to do some work for Order, alone and without telling anyone, I was angry at him for putting you in danger and angry at myself for not being able to protect you. The odd thing is that I knew I could stop you; that if I pressured you, you would consent to my demands. Only, I couldn't do that, because I realised that you felt as if it was something you had to do, but I was so worried for you. I accepted my love for you then, but I didn't say anything because I was still afraid that I would hurt you… and I hurt you even more this way, didn't I?"

Sirius feels Remus take a deep breath and nod against him weakly before the werewolf speaks. "I never meant to hurt you either, Padfoot. I should have told you everything, what I was doing for the Order, how I felt…" Remus pulls away from Sirius just enough to look up and into his face. Sirius allows this and adjusts his grip so that he is still holding his most cherished friend in a loose embrace. Remus' slender hands are lightly curled against Sirius' chest and he is clutching the grey-eyed man's shirt gently, as if for support… Or proof that he is really there and is not leaving. "I still love you, Padfoot… I always will. It's alright if you don't-"

"Don't even think that, Moony… ever," Sirius interrupts firmly as he holds Remus' gaze with his own. "I have never stopped loving you, Moony; I never will. I know that I've hurt you before, and I've certainly let you down in the past, but if you can look beyond my faults and your condition, which does nothing to belittle you in my eyes, then I would like for us to embrace this together…" Sirius moves one of his hands around Remus' slim waist, pulling him closer, and the other hand returns to it former caress against the lycanthrope's fair cheek, "can you do that?"

"Yes, Padfoot," Remus answers without any doubt in his voice or eyes. "For you, I think I would do anything."

"All I want is for you to be with me," Sirius says with a smile before moving to do something that he has wanted to do for nearly two decades. He pulls Remus forward and bends his own head down so that their lips meet in a kiss that is even better than either man has dreamed because it is real.

Sirius is only aware that he has pulled Remus even closer when he feels the werewolf's heart beating frantically against his own body. He then realises that one of his arms is around those thin shoulders again and the other is completely encircling Remus' slender waist. One of Remus' hands has moved up to Sirius' shoulder to steady himself and the other is still against Sirius chest, where the lycanthrope can undoubtedly feel the erratic rhythm of Sirius' own heart.

Eventually, when their senses stop drowning in each other and start drowning from lack of air, the two lovers pull apart, but just enough to share a much-needed breath. They each are breathing heavily and just manage to whisper out the words "I love you" to each other.

Sirius pulls Remus back into a tight embrace, unable to let go and hoping that he never has to. He kisses Remus' temple and then rest his head against the werewolf's and smiles into his light brown hair. "I'm a fool for not doing that years ago."

Sirius can feel Remus smile against his neck before he feels a gentle kiss placed there. "I'm just pleased that you did it now."

Sirius releases a contented sigh as he continues to hold Remus. "I don't recall you dating anyone…ever, but I have the feeling you're the 'take it slow' type," he says without losing his smile.

"Well you do know me better than anyone," Remus answers and then Sirius can feel the lycanthrope's smile falter against him. "Is that-?"

"That's fine, Moony." Sirius interrupts smoothly. "Actually, it's more than fine. I've waited so long for this… I can certainly wait longer for _that_, as long as I know you're mine."

Sirius can feel Remus release a relieved sigh before the smile returns. "Thank you, Padfoot, that really means a lot to me… and I've always been yours. If you think about that, nearly twenty years is taking it slow enough, wouldn't you agree?"

Sirius' smile grows until it threatens to split his face and his embrace tightens until it threatens to engulf Remus completely. "Why yes, Messer Moony, I quite agree." Then he loosens his hold just enough to bend his head down as Remus reclines his own. This kiss is just as passionate as the last, but far more tender… almost achingly so, in Sirius' opinion. Even still, he smiles into the kiss and is pleased to see Remus smiling as well when they separate just enough to look at one another.

Then they head back inside the small cottage with Sirius' arm around Remus' slight shoulders. This time, there are no repressed emotions or unexpressed feelings. Sirius understands why Remus presents to only him a part of himself that he normally keeps carefully concealed. Remus understands that Sirius sees him differently than everyone else, including himself. They are in love. They realise this, they embrace it, and they have finally expressed it.

Sirius has always been stubborn and self-assured. Remus has always been patient and passive. Therefore, it comes as little surprise that Sirius determinedly tries to express his love to Remus as often as possible over the next several months. Nor is it shocking that Remus responds lovingly to Sirius' efforts every time.

Remus will always have difficulties in expressing himself because he will always have so much that he must keep bolted up inside, however, Sirius will always be the sole exception to that problem.

Sirius will never hesitate to express himself again because he spent enough time away from the world to know that he can exist perfectly fine without it, however, Remus will never fall under the same category as the rest of the world.

Remus will always love Sirius. He makes it a point to express this often, because he knows better than most what can happen if he does not let his love know what he is feeling.

Sirius will never stop loving Remus. He always looks for new ways to express this, because he knows that he can never be too careful when it comes to only one he loves more than life itself.

_Step three completed…_


End file.
